The Oscars: An Alternative View

As The Bru recently wrote about how he loves the arguments and endless discussions cinematic awards ceremonies generate, I figured I'd use my first Cinewise posting as an opportunity to fuel that fire and provide an alternative pics column for the most talked about and aggravating award ceremony of them all. Following the same rulez The Bru laid out, we’ll address who should win, who will win, and who the hell cares anyway.

BEST MOTION PICTURE:
Nominees: Avatar, The Blind Side, District 9, An Education, The Hurt Locker, Inglourious Basterds, Precious, A Serious Man, Up, Up In the Air.
Should Win: I’ll start right off the bat by saying that I, like 90% of the world population, haven’t yet seen The Hurt Locker, so this is likely to change. But then again, maybe not – I didn’t LOVE Avatar, but I respect it for what it is – THE motion picture event of the year. Most people saw it. Most people loved it. And if the Best Picture award should go to the film most endearing to the people, as well as most accomplished in its execution, than this is the film that hits the combo lotto. Now, if Star Trek had been nominated…
Will Win: Avatar, for the reasons stated above.
Shouldn’t Even Be Here: The Blind Side. Even if they expanded it to 20.

BEST DIRECTOR:
Nominees: Kathryn Bigelow, James Cameron, Lee Daniels, Jason Reitman, Quentin Tarantino.
Should Win: Kathryn Bigelow, if only because she directed a little film about the war that nobody saw and yet everybody loves, and she’s still here, not the least of which because she survived a marriage to ego-maniac Cameron.
Will Win: Kathryn Bigelow. Because damn you, James Cameron! You can’t have EVERYTHING!
It Would Be Neat To See Win: Tarantino. Icon. Legend. B-Movie aficionado. A lifetime achievement award in the making.

BEST ACTOR:
Nominees: Jeff Bridges, George Clooney, Colin Firth, Morgan Freeman, Jeremy Renner
Should Win: Jeff Bridges. Crazy Heart (review to follow) presents an aged fighter in a knock-down, drag out battle with himself, a meaty performance Bridges nails.
Will Win: Jeff Bridges, because sometimes some things go right in this world.
Shouldn’t Even Be Here: Morgan Freeman. Everybody loves you, Morgan Freeman. But that doesn’t mean we have to give you a statue for playing Morgan Freeman. That goes to you too, Clooney. Okay, alright, you’ve charmed me. You can have the statue now. And here’s $200 for Haiti while I’m at it. Should I offer you my wife, or have you already stolen her?

BEST ACTRESS:
Nominees: Sandra Bullock, Helen Mirren, Carey Mulligan, Gabourey Sidibe, Meryl Streep.
Should Win: Holy Shit! I just realized I haven’t seen ANY of these performances. Not a single one! How could this happen? By The Bru’s rules I can’t even pick!
Will Win: Sandra Bullock. Because she’s somehow the front runner, and because she’s the only who got her movie into the Best Picture race.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Nominees: Matt Damon, Woody Harrelson, Chrisopher Plummer, Stanley Tucci, Christoph Waltz.
Should Win: Waltz. Because it was the best single performance of the year, male, female, leading or otherwise. Or at least it was the most fun.
Will Win: Waltz.
Would Be Awesome If He Won: Harrelson, because The Messenger was great, and he was great in it. He’s the second best here, and sometimes that’s good enough.
Shouldn’t Even Be Here: Matt Damon. Who was he again in this movie? The guy on the field? What was he asked to do? Look muscle-ly? Wow, great job with that!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
Nominees: Penelope Cruz, Vera Farmiga, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Anna Kendrick, Mo’nique.
Should Win: HA! I saw HALF of these. See? I don’t hate women in strong movie roles! I’d give this to Anna, because she was the biggest surprise of the Up in the Air duo, but Vera’s the steady hand.
Will Win: No idea. Mo’nique? Is that THE Mo'nique?

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE:
Nominees: Coraline, Fantastic Mr. Fox, The Princess and the Frog, The Secret of Kells, Up.
Should Win: Mr. Fox. A clever and unique film with a tangibility traditional animated flicks can’t shake a tail at.
Will Win: Up. ‘Cause Pixar is bordering on dangerously untouchable.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:
Nominees: Mark Boal (The Hurt Locker), Quentin Tarantino (Inglourious Basterds), Alessandro Camon and Oren Moverman (The Messenger), Joel and Ethan Coen (A Serious Man), Peter Docter, Bob Peterson, Tom McCarthy (Up)
Should Win: Camon and Moverman, for tackling a tough subject with barebones authenticity. Powerfully moving, and wholly underrated.
Will Win: Boal, because Locker’s gotta win something.
Maybe Possibly Shouldn’t Even Be Here: Tarantino. His script was a mess. Great scenes, great dialogue, great characters. But messy, messy script. Same goes for the Up folks.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:
Nominees: Neill Blomkamp and Terri Tatchell (District 9), Nick Hornby (An Education), The Dudes who wrote In the Loop, Geoffrey Fletcher (Precious), Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner (Up in the Air).
Should Win: Reitman and Turner. Up in the Air may not be a GREAT flick, but it’s a really nice, surprisingly grounded story.
Will Win: The Loop guys? Maybe?
Shouldn’t Even Be Here: The District 9 boys, not because they don’t deserve it, but because a feature length version of your own short shouldn’t necessarily be seen as an adaptation. Bad, Oscar, bad.

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM:
Nominees: Ajami, El Secreto de Sus Ojos, The Milk of Sorrow, Un Prophete, The White Ribbon
Should Win: Whatever The Bru says.
Will Win: Whatever The Bru wants.
Shouldn’t Be Here: The Milk of Sorrow. The Milk of Sorrow? What kind of title is that?

EVERYTHING ELSE:
Avatar. Damn you, James Cameron. Damn you.