Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Cinewise Character Deathmatch - Zombieland vs. Kick-Ass

I recently argued that while they are very different movies, Kick-Ass and Zombieland are essentially of the same Geek-Gore breed. They share similar re-inventive, lampooning approaches to established genre films, and indulge in a shared desensitized joy for the violent, bloody mayhem these genres permit. Most importantly, the characters are strikingly, eerily similar in setup and function. So I thought – all opinion of the overall film product aside – it would be fun to pit these characters against each other in another new Cinewise series – The Cinewise Character Deathmatch!

First up – The Geeky Quasi-Hero. In the Kick-Ass corner – Kick-Ass! (aka – Dave). And for Zombieland – Columbus.

Kick-Ass (aka – Dave)
Hobbies: Myspace, jerking off, reading comic books, dressing up like an idiot

Special Power: Titanium-Enforced bones (but not adamantium)

Weapon of Choice: Rocket powered jet pack with Gatling gun

Sexual Fantasy: anything involving boobs

Cinematic Sexual Accomplishment: Dirty alley sex (clothes on)

Biggest Kill: Kung-fu powered Mob Boss


Hobbies: Video games, eating junk food, making compulsive survival lists

Special Power: OCD

Weapon of Choice: Shotgun

Sexual Fantasy: tucking a girl’s hair behind her ear

Cinematic Sexual Accomplishment: First base

Biggest Kill: Scary-ass Zombie Clown

AdvantageKick-Ass. Look, I like you, Columbus. I really do. You’re a more interesting guy. And Kick-Ass really sucks at kicking ass. But dude, you gotta score with the girl in your movie, and getting her after the credits roll doesn’t count. I know you love her. I know you’ll make a nice family together someday. You’re a really good guy. But nice guys finish last in Geek-Gore death matches. Dave got dirty with his girl in an alley. Plus he’s got a Gatlin gun! And a jet pack! Dude can fly now.

Second Round – The Somewhat Psychotic, Veteran Geek Guard/Bad Guy Killer. From Kick-Ass – Big Daddy. From Zombieland – Tallahassee

Big Daddy:

Quest: Revenge for his wife’s death.

Hobbies: Plotting revenge, training daughter to be a psycho killer, shooting daughter in the chest, drawing really lame, really weird autobiographical comic books

Haunting Traumatic Death: Dead Wife

Weapons of Choice: sniper rifle, hand gun, explosives

Biggest Accomplishment of Mass Death: Roughly 10 mobsters in a drug factory

Film Survival Ability: 75% awesome


Quest: to find and consume Twinkies. And survival. That too.

Hobbies: Killing zombies, being a redneck

Haunting Traumatic Death: Dead son

Weapons of Choice: Hand guns, baseball bats, anything handy

Biggest Accomplishment of Mass Death: like a hundred zombies at a theme park

Film Survival Ability: 100% awesome

AdvantageZombieland. Big Daddy was bat-shit crazy, and gets psycho points for crazy parenting and factory destroying skillz. But he got taken by a couple of goons charging a room. You think Tallahassee woulda lost out too a few, super speedy, super crazy zombies charging his room. Hells no! Tallahassee ain’t dying till he gets some damned twinkies! Plus, you know…he didn’t die.

Round Three – The Geek-Loving Hot Girl. Kick-Ass – Katie. Zombieland – Whichita.


Digs Her Geek Because…he pretended to be gay and got naked in a room with her, rubbed oils all over her body, then went home, dressed up in a stupid costume and got his ass kicked. Oh, and he’s nice.

Mental Baggage: Obsession with finding a gay friend

Good Person Quality: Works with druggies (and occasionally gives them charity sex)

Hot Factor: the popular high school girl with girl-next-door accessibility

Sex Cliche: She’s wicked easy. Whether you pretend to be gay or work full time as an abusive drug dealer, she’s ready and willing to take you in the alley right now.

Weapon of Choice: Sex.


Digs Her Geek Because…He’s nice, he’s not a zombie (a rarity in her world) and he proved himself by saving her ass from certain death.

Mental Baggage: Some serious abandonment and trust issues

Good Person Quality: Looks out for little sis, no matter what

Hot Factor: Leather jacket, tight jeans, dark eyeliner – she’s a bad girl

Sex Cliche: Abandonment and trust issues have her playing hard to get. Like really hard to get. Blue ball-level warnings ahead.

Weapon of Choice: Whatever she can steal from the gullible men chasing her.

AdvantageZombieland. Wichita’s (arguably) hotter, (definitely) tougher and knows how to use a gun. Taking your clothes off won’t help you now, Katie.

Round Four – The Scarily Adjusted Little Girl. Kick-Ass – Hit Girl. Z-land – Little Rock

Hit Girl

Special Power: Matrix-like killing skills. Daddy’s little terror is disgustingly lethal.

Weapon of Choice: Blades, Guns, Kung-fu. This girl does it all.

Reaction to Approaching Death: Kick Ass!

Kill Count – About a bazillion

Little Rock

Special Power: Cuteness
Weapon of Choice: She just learned how to use a gun

Reaction to Approaching Death: Run away, ask big sis for help.

Kill Count – Maybe one

AdvantageKick-Ass. It’s a blood bath. Little Rock never stood a chance.

After four rounds, we’re all tied up. Which brings us to our Fifth and Final Round – The Wild Card Comedy Relief Round. For Kick-Ass – Marty. For Z-land – Zombie Bill Murray.


Hobbies: Being Clark Duke

Place of Residence: Mom’s basement, weird comic book/coffee shop

Comedic Weapon of Choice: Clark Duke’s deadpan delivery

X-Factor: Growing cinematic persona

Zombie Bill Murray

Hobbies: Dressing up like a zombie, strolling through Zombie-destroyed Los Angeles.
Place of Residence: A fucking mansion.

Comedic Weapon of Choice: Legendary comedian status. All he has to do is be there.

X-Factor: He’s Bill Murray! Dressed like a Zombie! This isn’t even close…


And the Winner by TKO Is – Zombieland. Sorry, Kick-Ass – you may be a better movie, but your cast just got its ass kicked.

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